From Fat to Fit Chick: : Why?   

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Why?

I was asked a question a few weeks ago and have been thinking about it daily on how to put the answer into words.

What was the question?

"Why did you let yourself get to 360 pounds?"

I'm not exactly sure why that weight was the wake up point for me honestly.  It just was.  Thankfully.

As most of you know, I'm an emotional eater.  I was pretty much raised that way.  Hell, I'm from New Orleans and if you have ever been here you know that we indulge daily.  Sad?  Let's party with a second line and eat!  Happy?  Let's party with a second line and eat!

That was kinda summed up and prettified so I'll try to elaborate.

I have always been an emotional eater.  It's part of my personality and how I was raised.  When my parent's divorced, we were raised by my mom and grandmother (Nana).  My mom worked at night as a nurse and my grandmother picked up when my mom needed to rest or work.  It was a very stressful time and I remember us not having much food in the house for a long time.  When it got particularly stressful, we all got treated to stuff like ice cream and cookies.  When everything was going great, we got ice cream and cookies.  This started the cycle.

When things got heated in my house the first thing to be pointed out was my weight.  I was accused of eating all the food in the house and if I would stop eating I would be beautiful.  At first I got confused and then out right defiant since at that point I wasn't sneaking food.  So what did I do?  I started sneaking food.

Did I say this was a hard question to answer?

I'll stop there but hopefully you get a little on how I started.

Now back to how I let myself get that big.

I just didn't see myself as 360 pounds.  I avoided pictures.  I knew I was getting bigger but I didn't step on the scale when I started the "big life altering weight loss journey" until I think the third day of starting.  It was a shocking experience.  It was at the doctor's office because my scale at home wouldn't go past 300 pounds.  I cried.  I remember asking myself why.  I swore I wasn't eating a lot (what a lie lol) and didn't know how I did it.  Luckily I didn't want to hear my own excuses.

In reality, it took time to gain it.

I didn't suddenly balloon up.  It took years for me to get up that high.  We moved to Florida and completely away from my family.  I was a stay at home mom and submerged myself into playgroups and focused on being a mom.  It was a complete identity crisis that I lived with for years.  To deal I ate.  At the time I had no idea what was wrong or why I was so freaking unhappy.

It didn't really dawn on me a little bit until Hurricane Katrina happened.  Being so far away from my friends and family while they were going through the devastation was super hard on me.  I felt even more lost.  We had decided before Katrina to move back to the New Orleans area but the urgency I felt afterwards was almost mind numbing. My emotional eating again escalated.  At this point I buying almost 5 boxes of Little Debbies a day and eating all of them before my husband would get home from work.  If he was out of town, it meant nights that I wouldn't sleep much and I would eat almost the entire time.

By the time we moved back home to Louisiana I was in such a big downward spiral.  Kind of like an out of control train.  It wasn't stopping no matter how much I told myself I needed to.  I was always crying, never laughing, miserable and thought about committing suicide almost all of the time.  I remember pulling up to a tree and just envisioning myself ramming my SUV into it as hard as I could to kill myself.  I just felt like I was drowning and forgot how to swim.

I reached out to my best friend and told her how I was feeling.  She alerted my husband and I started seeing someone.  They put me on wellbutrin and I was encouraged to become more involved with the direct sales company I was with by going to their convention in New Orleans so I could get some time to myself.

I know it's not a real answer for the question but that is how I came to start slowly waking up and giving myself the permission to turn myself into who I wanted to be :)




The number itself wasn't the issue.  It was the internal things that were going on that made me change.....not the number.