When I post my before and progress pictures I always get comments like "you were beautiful when you were bigger why hate on yourself?" or "there is nothing repulsive about your before picture" and it always makes me pause.
I never said I hated myself because I was fat. I might have been disappointed that I let my weight go as far as I did but never did I hate myself for my weight. In fact I never mention hating myself ever on my side by side pictures.
I did hate myself for a long time though. I hated myself over deeper things. Mainly because as a mom I put myself on the very bottom of my priority list and it got to the point where I didn't even know who the hell I was anymore besides being a mom, wife or caregiver in some other way. I was so much more than that and I hated myself for being a doormat. I hated myself for not living up to my expectations or dreams.
Every time I would look into the mirror I would feel sadness that I couldn't cope without eating my feelings. I never hated myself for it though.
When I was severely depressed and wanting to end my life......it wasn't because of my weight. It was the hopeless despair that I felt because I felt like I lost my identity. Not because of my weight.
So when I say I decided to be happy & love myself, the weight loss was a side effect. When you are happy and love yourself, you only want the best for yourself and that was what eating healthy and being active was and still is for me.
This is where going back to college comes in too. I've always wanted to be someone that worked with animals in some way. Of course when I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian but it evolved into helping conserve Louisiana native wildlife and their habitat. I tried doing the personal trainer thing and while I loved it, it really didn't feel like something I wanted to do forever. So happiness wins again for me.
Anyway, getting back to the hating thing.........it wasn't because the fact that I was fat, it was the events that lead me to become fat that I hated myself for.
This is why I am such a big proponent for fixing what is going on in your head. You can try to fix the weight but if you don't figure out what makes you tick and fix the problems that are causing you to be unhappy then it's just like putting a band-aid on something that needs stitches.
Oh and looking back at the girl I was before......I love her and respect her so much. She did what she could and eventually found the way through to her happiness. She made me a strong person. For this, I could never ever hate her. Looking back at my before pictures makes me happy. I know how that story ends :)